it isnt as scary as you think

i felt guilty for not practising my guitar for the past 2 weeks. i am serious about it okay? due to the constant lack of practice, i had to ask pee for help during lesson today. what's A cord? how do i place my left fingers for C cord? this is very bad! a good and diligent student, as usual, i should make good use of this long weekend to catch up with the lessons besides giving tuition. back to my lesson, i played on the electric guitar for my first time today. yeah!!!!! the feeling rocks. my teacher said the whole set costs around 400 bucks, including the electric guitar and the sound system. i am so tempted to get one myself. what's most important is that electric guitar was simply gorgeous. yesyes!!! try new things and dont be afraid of it.

talking about tuition, i kinda regretted my decision to take up the offer now. i am not sure if i am not of the tutor material or he is just unwilling to learn. i will NOT blame him if he attempts the questions and takes his studies more seriously. all i ask for is a positive attitude from him. is it really too much of a request for a primary 4 kid? well, i guess so. when i was at that age, i was not even bothered with my future. so how can i expect him to think in the same frequency as me now when i am almost twice his age? i shall wait till tomorrow and decide on my next step.

i cannot and do not want my brain to corrode even before my new school begins. it's time to catch the reading fever again. currently, i am hooked onto this book "the rape of nanking". the interest in history is here again! i wanted to get my hands on it since upper secondary. however, it never happens because i was too lazy to search for it in the library and no time to read. haha... excuses. anyway, i was glad pee bought that book a few months ago. i fully understand why the words could not get into her brain when she read it because she was a geo student. next up will be the other 3 books lying on my sister's bed and tuesday with morrie which is still with one of my colleagues.

april is ending and may is coming. yeah! happy month. i will be slacking around soon so just hang in there. i love this feeling when i know my well-deserved break is coming soon. i will be able to lead my ideal slacking life before a mad rush begins in a couple of months' time. having brunch almost everyday, asking friends out (provided i have the financial ability), drinking coffee at a cafe while reading a book, swimming, practising my guitar diligently and etc. see! i just cant wait for everything to come true.

finally, an entry not about work. =)

"love myself more"

complete or incomplete

people are always searching for something in life. it can be true close friends, love and warmth for family, success or even a simple break from work. during this process, they may have gained valuable experiences or lost their values. i am not interested with the process but why the conquest for it?

it gives them a sense of accomplishment because without it, they find that they have not tried their best in life yet. we all want to live a life with no regrets so why not get have a go and see how things work out right? it brings pride and honour not only to the achiever and also to everyone surrounding him. imagine the perfect picture of you being surrounded by thousands of reporters, voice recorders, cameras and lights which are eager to capture your moment and relatives and friends, from far and near, showering you with well wishes, hoping to share your glamour. however does it really make you feel complete?

i have been searching for the something for the past few years after i have become sensible. i dont know what is it that i ought to have or do in order to live my life with no regrets. after knowing more people from wider age range and different backgrounds, i start to feel sad for them and myself. behind all the hard work they have put in, they have sarcificed an equal or more in life. their families and friends maybe grumbling but they hold on tight to what they want in life and continue to fight on. as for myself, i cannot say i have achieved much as compared to them. i still cannot support myself financially and one thing for sure is my parents are still protecting me from danger. so independence is definitely out of the picture! i feel so tiny standing beside them. however, i want it to motivate me further. i want to make a name for myself after i officially graduated from school in the industry i will be working in the future. this could be the something i am seeking.

"knowing myself better hurts"

how should i be

i used to believe that target setting motivates people to strive and excel. it provides direction so i will not be lost along my way. it gives me the sense of satisfaction if i manage to achieve my targets. i will spend every single minute with a purpose because i know that i have to prepare myself and get working towards what i want. since it has advantages, it puzzles me why this belief has been shaken? to put it simply, my job is to hit the daily target set by my boss. we all are anxious to finish the whole project as soon as possible in our fastest possible speed. in the midst of anxiety, people started to turn ugly. people are more concerned with hitting their own individual targets than teamwork. everyone is getting stressed out and tensed when we see the work piling up everyday. the higher it goes, the stronger the desire to finish them. somehow we have forgotten to be sensitive to our environment. rude comments were made but that dont bother me much. however the lack of compromise and understanding among us is getting on my nerves sometimes. luckily my anger only lasted for a few moments in the room and i have not blew up yet.

it has been a long time since i felt this amount of fear in me. i may have sounded calm but the truth is, my hands were shaking when i made the call. i knew at that time nobody would help me. true enough nobody offered their help despite i looking damn helpless except for this guy. in the end i rejected his help. i was all alone with her in my arms. i knew i cant let her go. fortunately, everything is fine now and i am glad she is recovering and receiving professional treatment. please be a good girl and recover soon ok? although this incident only lasted for a night, i left a deep impact on me. it reassures me how important a friend she is to me. she is so involved in my life that she is like one of my family members. my family knows her very well and never fails to ask about her occassionally.

next week is another busy week for me. happy working!!

"treasure before it is gone"

a new addition

let's call the new addition a it. initially we thought it is going to share our burden. instead, it is getting on our nerves sometimes and making us giggle and laugh non stop. the longer it is going to stay, the faster our eyeballs will be out of our sockets. it has become our MUST-talk-about-daily-topic. it is our new source of gossip. i am not being mean here but when all of us agree, it just means there is something wrong with it.

let's this long weekend be a short break off the hectic lifestyle i have.

stop these illusions

i hate those who are unable to keep their promises. dont make empty ones if you think you do NOT have the ability to complete them. do you know how significant they can be to the receivers? the receivers may be working their guts out to make the promise come true but at the very last minute, you destroy every single thread of hope they have been clinging onto. giving them hope and crashing them in front of them. stabbing into their hearts and allowing them to bleed to death. what a wonderful world!

why on earth are humans so soft hearted? why cant we be firm for once and put a stop to everything? what's the point of dragging it on and on forever? make our stands clear. no means no. which part of the sentence do you not understand?

why cant we be more caring and considerate beings? we are supposed to be more superior than animals because we have the ability to think and feel. my opinion has been shaken. if so, why cant we understand the pain and suffering one has to go through? why cant we understand that enduring the unfriendly stares and pain within ourselves is unbearable?

i hate my anger. i hate myself for losing control over my emotions. however, i hate those who caused me to hate myself more. just get out of my life. you deserve no sympathy from me.

it has been the friendship week for me recently. have been meeting up with different groups of friends almost everyday. i appreciate them and love them all as usual. sorry for the sudden paragraph on my friends. i am not in the right mindset now. i am not thinking. i just hope for a better life if reincarnation does exist.